Yogi Reviews: The Wolverine (tipsy)

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Yogimus
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Yogi Reviews: The Wolverine (tipsy)

Postby Yogimus » Wed Jul 31, 2013 8:24 am

Spoiler free review: A fairly run of the mill superhero sequel, its mediocrity only surpassed by its predictability. The only character that saves it is Hugh Jackman's wolverine, and even as such, I would recommend a rental.




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>ESPOI LIERE<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<



























Still here? Christ, you're investing more into this than the entire fucking writing team did. There are three writers, by the way... each with a wildly differing style, and each one writing a jarringly different movie.

The Plot:
1 - Hey, Wolverine is an intellectual property we own, isn't it?
2 - Iduno, think it will make money?
1 - Fuck it, why not? Superhero movies are big.
2 - Yea sure, let's rewrite the script for minority report 2, add a touch of yakuza, and print that bitch.
1 - Oh, and just in case, LETS FOLLOW THIS FORMULA TO THE FUCKING LETTER. ---> http://www.cracked.com/article_16176_8-pointless-laws-all-comic-book-movies-follow.html


We meet wolverine roughing it in the canuckistani outback (That's what they call it, right?), where he sees his lover get murdered, and he hunts the responsible man to a bar, to begin the ubiquitous (Holy shit I spelled that right... I need more beer) wolverine bar fight scene. This is stopped by [>expository dialogue device<], who is an asian chick just different enough to make sure you can tell her apart from the others... wait... she still looks a little too similar... Damn it... how can we make these slanties different? OH I KNOW! COLOR HER HAIR A DISTRACTING COLOR! Yea! That's the ticket.

So the story is that there is a prison camp outside of Nagasaki, where wolverine is imprisoned, because the plot calls for it. Wolverine rescues a prison guard, because he is a kind and loving person. (Both wolverine and the japanese POW guard, both known for their loving demeanor) What does he rescue the guard from? Why it's our special guest, Bockscar, and the Fatman! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02AAyFyIsJQ) < music intro!

Well, it is 70 years later, and wolverine gets taken to japan to be thanked by Mr POW camp guard, who is now the super-business man of business-world japan. As a business man, he is automatically assumed to be evil, shor sighted, and incapable of nuanced motivation. This will come in very important. Oh, and he is dying, and wants to steal wolverine's essence. (Come to think of it, you never see the japs drinking much water...) Wolverine politely tells old man fuyu to go fuck himself, and afterwards decides to sleep in the man's house. Two things happen overnight: 1, the old man dies. 2, Wolverine loses his powers, because ITS A SEQUEL AND THE HERO MUST LOSE HIS POWERS. Right about here, the movie descends into a jumble of fuck, a spiraling dive that not even JFK Jr could pull out of. (This is demonstrably the case) I will list the little glimpses of "What the fuck is wrong with you assholes, and what have you done to wolverine" below. A little pre spoiler though, there is a 15 foot samurai robot involved in this somehow.

WTF? 1- NINJAS! Because it's japan and one thing we know about japan is that they have ninjas and shit like everyfucking where, this movie has them too. Guido ninjas in Tokyo proper, spiderman ninjas on subways, and classic pajamaninjas in the stereotypical [JAPANESE SET #322-VILLAGE]

WTF? 2- Wolverine's healing factor is limited!!!! Which makes this movie immediately as interesting as a strange dude with knives helping a random chick. About 50% of this movie is filmed in a "Film Noir" style, and rather effectively... unfortunately, one of the other writers must have come by and sprinkled little turds of lighthearted comedy into a very introspective movie that dealt with that whole what it means to be a hero thing. Also, they establish that wolverine STILL CANT FUCKING DIE, so what is the god damned point of nulling his powers? No extra suspense is gained, and it only grates on the audience. It's like watching the special olympics diving team. Sure it's theoretically "Nice" to watch the little tards overcome their limitations, but at the end of the day, it's just some asshole shoving wheelchair bound kids off of a divingboard.

WTF? 3- Special effects: Speaking of fucking retarded, you knew what kind of treat you are in for (FUCK YOU SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND MAINTAINING THE PROPER TENSE!) when the "bear" shows up. For those of you that haven't blown 10 bucks on this piece of shit, allow me to paint you a picture: Imagine a rubber bear suit... now imagine a COMPUTER GENERATED version of a rubber bear suit. THAT IS IN THIS MOVIE. (PSA: DO NOT do a google image search for "rubber bear" In case you don't listen to common sense or decency, behold entry #3) https://www.google.com/search?q=rubber+ ... 6#imgdii=_

WTF? 4- There is a business espionage movie in here somewhere, where various important japanese men vie for control over a will. Pretty sure they threw that in there for funsies. It all makes barely enough sense to ALMOST fit, while not fitting enough so that it makes you question WTF every time they switch stories. Allow me to explain the sub plot. Mr Business-man Japan has a son, who hates mutants. Sure, whatever, racism in a Japanese man isn't too unbelievable. His racist son has a daughter, Miss McGuffin, a strong female lead... hahaha, just kidding, she's your standard damsel in distress, whose sole job in the movie is to be chased, hunted, and saved. Also, she's there to be a protagonist penis depository. (no secks scene worth watching by the way)

So check this out... old man dies, and leaves the will to the grand daughter, not to his son. This is the source of immense conflict between people we don't care about. The racist son hires the yakuza to hunt wolverine, because it's japan, and if its two thing we know about japan, its ninjas.... and yakuza. (I swear if they set this film in the "dark" south, they would be running from watermelon and fried chicken vendors... that is how many racist stereotypes they manage to squeeze in. With a straight face.)

WTF? 5- stereotypical [Bad Guy #21, Female] A bad person without motivation or character other than "asshole" isn't a bad person... IT IS A BADLY WRITTEN CHARACTER. For fuck's sake, guys, 3 of you assholes wrothe this script. Without a GOOD bad guy, the hero can't shine! THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT!

WTF? 6- A GIANT FUCKING ADAMANTIUM ROBOT. Because if its THREE things we know about japan, it's ninjas, the yakuza, AND GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS.

CHARACTERS:

- Wolverine: Great portrayal as always by Mr Jackman. You, sir, singlehandedly saved the movie. (In no way whatsoever)

- The "Daughter": Her only purpose in life is to move the plot forward. She is an incredibly stereotypical character, Doesn't like her father, "good with knives" (That's what japanese chicks do right? Knives?) She is betrothed to the chief of random law enforcement agency with no specified jurisdiction, and in love with a dark ninja bodyuard... so of course she lets wolverine stick all sorts of dicks in her vajeen. Because that is what females do, right? They are a prize to be exploited by the protagonist, and must have no internal motivations at all, right, Hollywood? Like if I did something heroic, or borderline helpful, I should be allowed to fuck a chick that I helped, and it is in no way a fucking rape if I force myself onto an emotionally traumatized female, right, Hollywood? Christ, you pigs make me fucking sick.

- The "bodyguard", Japanese chick # 2, successfully representing a "strong" character by removing ANY trace of femininity. A mutant, who're sole job is to spew forth plot development, and to swing a sword around. She has red hair color, because hollywoood thinks you are too fucking stupid to tell them asians apart.

- The "Daughter's fiance" Serves zero purpose in this movie, and does a great job at fulfilling that role. (No, seriously, he played the whole thing extremely well, and he is the most believable character)

- The "Father", a sword wielding samurai businessman (I SHIT YOU NOT, HE IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS) who ordered a hit out on her daughter, because he wanted control of the family business.

- The "dark mysterious and shit Ninja guy" spends most of the movie being mysterious and shit... served no purpose in the movie other than being the face of the ninja clan, and to have a change of heart near the end that will in no way affect the plot.. (dude, I don't know either man.. the whole movie is like what a 12 year old would think of japan)

- The "Grandfather" is the main villain, and builds a giant robot suit so that he can... do something with wolverine's claws to make himself young again. because fuck it. Why not.

- The "Villain" is a completely bland character, made even more rediculous by the inclusion of HORRIBLY rendered computer tongue, that was in no way necessary. Her power? She poisons shit with spit. Also, no one seems to have been able to get the word out about this, so she keeps doing it to people.

The absolutely shittiest part of the movie is the special effects. Namely, there is ZERO consistency to its own rules within the same universe. Wolverine can shrug off a bullet when the plot calls for it, but passes out when its time for him to do so.
Wolverine's skeleton is adamantite. He weighs over 300lb. He shouldn't be hopping around on CORRUGATED ROOFS without at least some environmental reaction. Furthermore, A FIFTEEN FUCKING FOOT ROBOT shouldn't be able to jump down from three stories onto a walkbridge. The entire special effects department should be fucking FIRED for their absolute failure to include the environment IN ANY WAY whatsoever. Oh... one more little squabble.......... ADAMANTIUM SLICES THROUGH EVERY. FUCKING. THING.* Namely, he shouldn't be involved in a god damned sword fight. Slice through sword, slice through ninja. Holy fuck, people.


Final Verdict: A Throwaway plot, that in no way affects the character of wolverine, this movie is an easy miss. Don't even feel bad about it. The plot unfolds like a drunken DnD campaign, (without the fun), the effects are BAD, and the characters are immediately forgettable. There is nothing here for comic book fans, nearly nothing for wolverine fans, as he is without powers for about 1hr of the film, and the PG13 rating is VERY soft pg13, sp you never get to see him cut loose, and absolutely zero in here for "action fans". All in all, this is a rental AT BEST. The only character that treated the japanese culture with any respect was Mr Bockscar and The Fatman. On the plus side, the Wolverine character manages to survive the movie without too much damage.



*Note: Adamantium does not slice through adamantium or vibranium. But it DOES heal, once infused with logan's healing factor.

Aesop
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Re: Yogi Reviews: The Wolverine (tipsy)

Postby Aesop » Wed Jul 31, 2013 11:08 am

It's like watching the special olympics diving team. Sure it's theoretically "Nice" to watch the little tards overcome their limitations, but at the end of the day, it's just some asshole shoving wheelchair bound kids off of a divingboard.


Swear to Buddha, after I sponged all the soda off of the monitor at that point, I faced east and bowed three times, repeating my unworthiness.
Going to that movie and reveiwing it now, for anybody, would be like doing a remake of Gone With The Wind, with midgets.

Fortunately, I've never seen any movies of the ex-men, so all my going now would accomplish would be to make it easier for the neurologist to diagnose a massive brain tumor.

Someday when I'm on my deathbed, at the very last moment, I want someone to whisper into my ear that they're making another ex-men movie, so I won't mind dying quite as much.
"There are four types of homicide: felonious, accidental, justifiable, and praiseworthy." -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

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Jericho941
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Re: Yogi Reviews: The Wolverine (tipsy)

Postby Jericho941 » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:19 pm

Aesop wrote:Fortunately, I've never seen any movies of the ex-men, so all my going now would accomplish would be to make it easier for the neurologist to diagnose a massive brain tumor.

Someday when I'm on my deathbed, at the very last moment, I want someone to whisper into my ear that they're making another ex-men movie, so I won't mind dying quite as much.


The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert wasn't THAT bad.


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