Chuck Norris

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Aesop
Posts: 6149
Joined: Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:17 am

Chuck Norris

Post by Aesop »

FYI, in case you forgot to punch a hippie in celebration, Chuck Norris turned 74 on Monday.

As he approaches the point in history where some ignorant jackass is liable to post some stupid story one of these days to the effect that "Chuck Norris has died", I want it noted for the record well in advance that Chuck Norris isn't going to die.

He has announced that at some point in the near future, he's planning a trip to Hell to kick Satan's ass, which will explain his pending absence.
Inside word has Satan lobbying God to leave Chuck right where he is for as long as possible.
"There are four types of homicide: felonious, accidental, justifiable, and praiseworthy." -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Jered
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Re: Chuck Norris

Post by Jered »

Chuck Norris doesn't die. He only goes into hibernation.
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HTRN
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Re: Chuck Norris

Post by HTRN »

He has died... The Reaper is just afraid to collect. :lol:
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rightisright
Posts: 4286
Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2008 9:41 pm

Re: Chuck Norris

Post by rightisright »

HTRN wrote:He has died... The Reaper is just afraid to collect. :lol:
Ok, I had a shit day and didn't actually LOL until I read that. Thank you, good sir.
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Dinochrome One
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Re: Chuck Norris

Post by Dinochrome One »

Found these on a psychopolitical website that shall remain nameless.

. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

2. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

3. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

4. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

5. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

6. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

7. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

8. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

9. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

10. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

11. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

12. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

13. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

14. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

15. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

16. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

17. Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

18. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

19. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

20. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

21. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

22. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

23. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

24. It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

25. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

26. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

27. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

28. The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

29. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

30. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

31. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

32. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

33. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

34. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

35. When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

36. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

37. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

38. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

39. Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

40. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

41. Chuck Norris can taste lies.

42. Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

43. Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

44. When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

45. 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

46. Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

47. Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

48. Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

49. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

50. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

51. All roads lead to Chuck Norris.

52. Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

53. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

54. Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

55. There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

56. Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews ball-bearings.

57. Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

58. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

59. Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

60. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

61. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

62. There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

63. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

64. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

65. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

66. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

67. Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

68. Chuck Norris uses barbed wire for toothpicks.

69. Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

70. Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Maxim 34: If you're only leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.
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