If God exists, he's an @$$

Discussions about our lives, families, jobs... things may get a little personal
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JustinR
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If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by JustinR »

So, to start off with, I'm probably in the anger stage of the grieving process.

I don't personally put much stock in believing in an omnipotent being upstairs, but respect that many people do, including some of my closest friends. But the conclusion I always seem to come back to is that he's an asshole.

My wife has never been keen on having kids, for two reasons. First, she helped raise her two little brothers, and second because she didn't want to turn into the...ahem...raging bi-polar bitch that her mother and mother's mother had turned into when they had children....likely because of undiagnosed thyroid problems. I assured her that between the fact that she isn't narcissistic like her mother, and that we know about the potential thyroid issues in her family now, that her concerns were unfounded. She really enjoys playing with our close family friend's daughter, and she is great with children. We talked about it several years ago, and although she still didn't want a passel of little ones underfoot, she had agreed to one child when we decided we were ready.

Well, about a month ago she realized the time for her period had come and gone and suddenly her nose that was normally deadened by taxidermy smells had suddenly started working again. Combined with some morning sickness she did the obligatory pee-on-a-stick and lo and behold, our lives took a suddenly unplanned turn. We told only our folks until we could get into the doctor.

It turns out that doctor offices, especially OBGYN's, are maelstroms of bureaucracy and fucking incompetence. Oh, the doctor may be WONDERFUL, but the office staff that treats patients like cattle and puts office "policies" before common sense may prevent you from ever seeing said wonderful doctor. For once my mother-in-law's temper was useful in getting some results, acting as an advocate for my wife when I was out of town for work. My wife half jokingly threatened to go to our vet for better care, because "at least at the vet, when you tell them you're getting a new puppy they give you a whole information packet on the how, when, and why!" I'll save the details, but we started looking for another practice.

We got the "What to expect when you're expecting" book, and started reading on our own.

My wife continued to have spotting, but no one could tell us if it was REALLY something to worry about, or not. She was at 5-6 weeks and they didn't see anything on the ultrasound. We started to get concerned there was something wrong and the incompetent OBGYN office wasn't helping make us feel better.

She started to feel more and more uncomfortable, with a dull cramp-like feeling in her right hip area. Finally, on Tuesday night, the pain got to the point she couldn't sleep. The thing about my wife is that she has a very high threshold for pain, i.e. As a kid she broke her arm, and the doc didn't believe her because she wasn't in enough pain...until he saw the x-ray. I made the executive decision and called first the on-call doc at the OBGYN, and after consulting took Amethyst to the ER.

After another ultrasound, the ER doc came in and told us she had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy, which is what the OBGYN office had suspected but couldn't confirm. He called in both doctors from the OBGYN office, and they prepped Amethyst for surgery because the pregnancy was non-viable and had to be removed. She had started bleeding internally from the tube, but luckily it had not yet burst. So at 3-4AM on Wednesday, our short pregnancy ended. Our folks came to the ER to help me deal with everything.

She came through surgery fine, with her right tube removed and cauterized, but the ovary still intact. The embryo had been 4-5 CM long. The OBGYN doctors were both great, explained everything, and even said that it was caught relatively early, which is sometimes hard to do because a few days of growth can make a big difference, possibly explaining the lack of a diagnosis at the OBGYN office. We went home later that day. Walking out through the delivery ward was one of the few times in my life I felt like I would break down and lose it.

So here we are, several days after the emotional roller coaster of becoming parents, losing a baby, and trying to figure out if we can handle trying again sometime in the future. We're recovering, and I'm pretty sure we will be ok at this point. It had just started to become real to us when it was ripped away. I can't imagine losing a pregnancy much further along or a still birth, but yet some of the care material we received from the hospital says it happens to 1 in 4 women. I haven't even SEEN a statement from our insurance or a hospital bill yet, but I'll be sitting down when I open that piece of mail. At least I have good medical insurance through my employer, but it's still going to be one hell of a dent in my paycheck this year I'm sure.

So when people say "oh, it must be God's will," it really pisses me off. Because either it's not God, or he's an asshole.

I was really hesitant to share this, because I don't normally share personal things like this with "strangers." I guess I needed to get it out, so that's why I continued typing. I'm not really looking for sympathy, God knows (hahaha) that there are other people far more sympathetic and in need of support than I, Mr. DuToit comes to mind immediately. The physiologists say you are supposed to feel better after talking about your problems. I guess we'll find out over time. Thanks for listening.
"The armory was even better. Above the door was a sign: You dream, we build." -Mark Owen, No Easy Day

"My assault weapon won't be 'illegal,' it will be 'undocumented.'" -KL
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Rod
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by Rod »

Yeah, I know you said you didn't need it but my sympathies for your family. The only answer I have is the one every NCo ever gave me, shit happens. Sometimes it's good shit, sometimes it's bad shit, but shit happens. Sounds like you've got a great support system in your in-laws so try to drive on and don't worry that you won't forget what happened, you're not supposed to. Hopefully the pain will become less as time goes by.
one can be a Democrat, or one can choose to be an American.
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Rumpshot
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by Rumpshot »

Thank you for the update. I wish you and your wife nothing but the best.

I think you will find this group to not quite fawn over your loss, but will respect you and your wishes. My daughter lost two before they learned she should not try again for medical reasons. It is difficult.

I have said it before and still believe it, Life is not fair. Some folks sail through life without challenges, others have very significant challenges. How we each deal with said challenges is who we are.

You have faced this challenge and it is a sore spot right now, but you will move forward.
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Vonz90
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by Vonz90 »

JustinR wrote: So when people say "oh, it must be God's will," it really pisses me off. Because either it's not God, or he's an asshole.
1. Sorry for your loss - that sucks but I am happy that your wife is okay.
2. Whoever said, "It is God's will" needs to learn that they don't speak for God. As an ex atheist, it took me a long time to figure this stuff out (enough anyway, still figuring) - but it bad crap happens because it is a fallen world (and it is a fallen world because it has to be if we are actually going to have free will). In the long run, he gave his Son for us, in the short run we are screwed - but that is a good deal for us net/net.
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Gunnuts
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by Gunnuts »

My brother's wife had one of those.

They thought their having kids days might be over.

They went on to have two children.

One is now a Capitan with a regional airline and the other is about to start a veterinary surgical residency.

It sucks now, but like the others have said, life's a shit storm.

Its bad now, but if you keep going, it'll clear off and life will go on....and can be pretty damn good.

Hang in there.
John_in_Longview
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by John_in_Longview »

Justin, very sorry for your loss and also glad to read your wife's surgery went well.
JustinR wrote: It had just started to become real to us when it was ripped away. I can't imagine losing a pregnancy much further along or a still birth, but yet some of the care material we received from the hospital says it happens to 1 in 4 women.
Based on personal experience, that number seems about right. From 2001 through 2013, my wife gave birth to my 5 children, but she was pregnant 10 times during that period. Our fourth child was born in 2007. We had three miscarriages, all between 12 and 15 weeks of her pregnancies, between his birth and the birth of his sister 6 years later. (In 2001 we turned 30, just to give you reference for our ages.)
JustinR wrote: So here we are, several days after the emotional roller coaster of becoming parents, losing a baby, and trying to figure out if we can handle trying again sometime in the future. We're recovering, and I'm pretty sure we will be ok at this point.
My wife and figured the pregnancy which led to our fifth child would end like the previous three, so don't think that even if you have the next pregnancy end in a miscarriage that you can't have children.
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Netpackrat
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by Netpackrat »

I am glad she is going to be OK and that there is still hope for kids later on. As long as the possibility still exists, don't ever give up hope. My wife and I have 2 beautiful children, and it took us about 8 years, 4 miscarriages, and telling at least one doctor that his recommendation was bullshit, and he needed to come up with a better plan, to get them. Do not ever give up, and don't let her give up either.

She will probably need your support more than either of you might realize right now... Regardless of what the feminist movement and others might want to believe, a normal woman has a lot of her self image wrapped up in having the ability to have children, and so something like this can be a real lasting blow to her psyche beyond "just" the loss of the child you were expecting. Once you have the first kid it becomes easier to shrug things like that off, because she'll have a living, breathing, constant reminder of her adequacy, for lack of a better term.
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skb12172
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by skb12172 »

I've been there. I also have 3 kids, two of whom are special needs. One thing I found out is that doctor's office staff often get on a power trip and become assholes. Unless you tell the Doc, he/she often has no idea. As you leave for a new practice, make sure you let the doc know why. Make sure you tell him face to face. For the good of his practice he needs to know.
There must be an end to this intimidation by those who come to this great country, but reject its culture.
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slowpoke
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by slowpoke »

Havent had the ectopic, but we've had two miscarriages. The medical statistics on miscarriages is complete garbage. I think they're off by a factor of three or four. Find a better doctor, one that handles high risk pregnencies and ask how soon you can start trying again. And dont believe the pain will magically go away, We still grieve our miscarriages even though we have two beautiful hyper children now.
If a woman has had kids past age thirty its likely even odds shes had a miscarriage. Talk to friends youll be surprised. You know you likely shouldnt be blaming God for this, but nothing wrong with questioning and being angry, just look at Job. Try to help your wife not feel guilty or less of a woman about this. It sucks having to chose to end a child to save your wife, but likely both would die elsewise, and feeling guilty about that is soul killing.
"Islam delenda est" Aesop
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skb12172
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Re: If God exists, he's an @$$

Post by skb12172 »

Ectopic? Both would have died. You still have your wife and she is still fertile. Silver lining.
There must be an end to this intimidation by those who come to this great country, but reject its culture.
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