Love, death, confusion, joy...

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mekender
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Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by mekender »

You have already seen all of the things I have talked about with my wife's death a bit over a month ago... Well life (and death) have a funny way of screwing with your head...

So it would seem that the bond that her best friend and I have formed is far deeper than anything either of us planned...

I have literally spent 3 to 5 hours on the phone with her every single day since my wife passed away with the exception of this past weekend, I will get to that in a minute. This is a woman who knew my wife since about age 14, someone who was there for nearly every good or bad part of our marriage, someone who quite often would be on the phone with my wife while my wife and I were trying to get intimate, someone who was always included in the adult jokes and innuendo between my wife and I, someone my wife referred to as her wife when the kids would ask who was on the phone... In short she was much more than just a friend to our marriage.

In return, both my wife and I had been adamant about making sure that she was not dating losers like she had so many times in the past, to the point where we demanded to screen anyone she dated...

So in my wife's passing, she has become much more than just my late wife's friend, she has become the best friend I have ever known... The tone of the conversations we had never shifted away from being adult and full of innuendo, and I think that helped. Also, my wife made it clear, in no uncertain terms that I was to find someone that made me happy if she died before me... And she also made it clear, less than 6 months ago when she had her first stroke, that the three things she cared about the most if she did die were that I was ok and happy, that the kids were ok and happy, and that her friend was ok and happy...

This combines with some of the stuff I keep finding out about my wife and about our marriage... That many of the things that happened early on in our marriage were guided by her being manipulative and dishonest, not that I was the most upstanding person then either... But it would seem that she lied about being pregnant to trap me into marrying her, that she was not committed to our marriage for much of the early years, and that she never stopped talking to a couple of the guys she had inappropriate conversations with even though she told me she had done so years ago. I am not mad about these things even though I probably should be, because it is pointless, she does not care any more...

From talking with some of her other friends, I also found out that at the start of our relationship, she was actually planning on setting me up with her best friend and that the only reason she didn't was that she broke up with the guy she was seeing right around the same time...

Which brings me to this past weekend... Her best friend came up for the holiday weekend with her three kids. These kids call my kids brother and sister they are so close. They bunked down with my kids like they have every one of the other dozen plus times they have been here in the last few years. And while reading this, please keep in mind that the kids will not know about much of this for a very long time...

Anyways, after much conversation, much crying together and much alcohol, she and I found ourselves being intimate.

Not only was it something that neither of us felt guilty about, it was without question the best intimate experience that either one of us have experienced in many years... Which naturally makes me very aware of some of the things that were missing with my marriage.

I have been seeing a therapist, and he is telling me that I am not crazy but I should be cautious, which I agree... Thankfully there is a nearly 600 mile distance buffer that is ensuring that... I have read a ton of stuff about people in my situation, both men and women, and have realized that what I am doing is not unusual, nor is it something that always or even most of the time ends in disaster.

I fully realize that my wife's parents are going to lose their minds over this when and if they find out and I dont care, they have not liked me much for years nor have I cared for them all that much... My side of the family is not going to be bothered much by the whole thing, none of them knew my wife very well... My dad has already hinted that down the line it might not be such a bad idea...

For some strange reason, in this crazy, mixed up reality that I now find myself in, it is the only thing that actually makes a lot of sense. One of the things that my reading led me to understand is that my marriage ended without the consent of either party and as such it is something that will always be a strong part of me and my life. Which means anyone that comes into my life had best be prepared for and able to deal with the idea that I will forever talk fondly about her and our experiences, a very different thing than if I were divorced. Which is something that I think would be extremely difficult to find in a stranger, but is sitting right in front of my face in the form of the only person on this planet who loved her as much as I did.

It was surreal, me and her best friend laying in each others arms talking about her, about how she would be happy that we were there for each other while at the same time cussing both of us out for not doing it while she was alive to join in... Both of us know exactly what my wife wanted for me after she passed, she told us... Both of us know that she would want us making sure that the other was happy, she told us... And both of us have been slapped square in the face by the very definition of the phrase "life is too short"...

I am happier than I have been in many years when I think about her, which is making me face the fact that my marriage was not nearly as strong as I would have told you it was six months ago... I feel some sadness over my wife's death, but I dont think I could call it grief or mourning... I feel the missing part that will always be there, and I know that her friend is not ever going to fill that part because she also has that missing part...

I swear I should write a novel...
“I no longer need to run as a Presidential Candidate for the Socialist Party. The Democrat Party has adopted our platform.” - Norman Thomas, a six time candidate for president for the Socialist Party, 1944
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Rumpshot
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by Rumpshot »

Two quick thoughts.

Good luck.

Be careful.
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Rich
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by Rich »

Specifically: Wife 2.0 comes with baggage.
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mekender
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by mekender »

Rich wrote:Specifically: Wife 2.0 comes with baggage.
All do though... Mine came with more than I ever knew and I am still finding out some of them... At least in this case, I know about much of it upfront...
“I no longer need to run as a Presidential Candidate for the Socialist Party. The Democrat Party has adopted our platform.” - Norman Thomas, a six time candidate for president for the Socialist Party, 1944
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skb12172
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by skb12172 »

You loved your wife and don't want to speak ill of the departed, though you have reason to do so. You still look upon her with an opinion that is not really based in reality. You acknowledge her serious flaws, your dissatisfaction with how things were, then completely disregard it and make her a saint anyway.

New lady knows you so well and apparently has some things going for her that wife was missing. She can also relate to the things you need to express as part of the healing process, because she knew you all so well. She will be very helpful in helping you heal, as long as intentions and expectations are clear from both.

I almost found myself in a similar situation 5 years ago with high school buddy's younger widow. I backed off before anything happened out of respect for his memory. Wise, since she quickly got into a rebound marriage, had two kids, and is now getting divorced. Now, I'm hearing from her regularly again, only she now has significant baggage she didn't have before, plus she is 30 and no longer 25.

You are too raw and too close to this right now. By all means, see what happens, but do not make any big life decisions for at least the next two years. As already stated...

Good luck.

Be careful.

Wife 2.0 comes with serious baggage. Do not overlook this just because "you do too." That only compounds the potential problems. It doesn't cancel them out.
There must be an end to this intimidation by those who come to this great country, but reject its culture.
BobbyK
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by BobbyK »

Baggage tends to me either multiplicitive, or worse: exponential or logarithmic.

That being said, you know damned well you can ping me if you need a sanity check.
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mekender
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by mekender »

skb12172 wrote:You loved your wife and don't want to speak ill of the departed, though you have reason to do so. You still look upon her with an opinion that is not really based in reality. You acknowledge her serious flaws, your dissatisfaction with how things were, then completely disregard it and make her a saint anyway.
Not at all... I am under no illusions about many of the things about her, and there is an internal struggle to not focus on those all the time... Much of what I have said in public has been done for the benefit of others as much as it was therapy for myself.
“I no longer need to run as a Presidential Candidate for the Socialist Party. The Democrat Party has adopted our platform.” - Norman Thomas, a six time candidate for president for the Socialist Party, 1944
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Vonz90
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by Vonz90 »

Stay away- at least for quite a while. You are probably being played to a degree (because female).

Look around and make sure you are on firm ground before you do anything permanent.
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skb12172
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Re: Love, death, confusion, joy...

Post by skb12172 »

This ^^^

Especially the first part. Because, female and because female who needs available resource provider, which you now are.
There must be an end to this intimidation by those who come to this great country, but reject its culture.
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